


Hamildresden, Track Eight: Proven Guilty ("Help Me")

by Rob Nobody (RobNobody)



Series: Hamildresden [8]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda, The Dresden Files - Jim Butcher
Genre: Abduction, Book 8: Proven Guilty, Canon compliant-ish, Damsels in Distress, Fae & Fairies, Gen, Musicals, Rescue Missions, Retelling, Song Parody, Trials, sorry molly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-22
Updated: 2021-02-22
Packaged: 2021-03-12 21:49:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 782
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29641185
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RobNobody/pseuds/Rob%20Nobody
Summary: Oh!Please help meGod, please help me, oh noSnared in despair 'cause the Scarecrow's got mePlease help meI'm so deeply screwedLook at all this iceI'm so deeply screwedWhere precisely am I, please help mePart eight of my inexplicable quest to adapt a different song fromHamiltonfor every book ofThe Dresden Files.
Series: Hamildresden [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1912114
Kudos: 2





	Hamildresden, Track Eight: Proven Guilty ("Help Me")

**Author's Note:**

> To the tune of "[Helpless](https://genius.com/Phillipa-soo-and-original-broadway-cast-of-hamilton-helpless-lyrics)." Try it out with the [music](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dsUK1ZeVWPE)!

[HARRY/ALL WOMEN (EXCEPT MOLLY)]  
Crap crap crap crap

[MOLLY]  
Ohh, Oh no oh no oh no oh  
 _Crap crap crap crap_  
Nooo! Crap!  
 _Crap crap crap crap_  
Ohh, Oh no oh no oh no oh  
 _Crap crap crap crap_  
Nooo! Please you've got to  
 _Crap crap crap crap_

[MOLLY AND WOMEN]  
Help me!  
Called you on the phone, I bemoan my status please help me!  
Sail by the jail, and please bail out my boyfriend!

[MOLLY]  
I have always been the type to be a little forthright  
But I'm getting smothered by my mother who's of course right  
Worried 'bout my father as he's battling some creeps  
Then you jump in and my heart just leaps!  
Tryin' to catch a sight of your smile as off you sweep  
Wearin' your black duster and I'm just in too deep

[MOLLY AND WOMEN]  
Fight with my parents left me high and dry

[MOLLY & _ALL WOMEN_ ]  
Bailed out Nelson, then tension as I comply _(Aah)_  
You're tellin' me I gotta try for rapprochement _(Aah)_  
Of course we fought some, so we left for Splattercon!!! _(Aah)_  
Then movie monsters swarm, attackin' the throng  
And these film refugees just kidnap me, please  
Help me!  
Oh, look at this ice  
 _Look at all this ice  
Where precisely am I?_  
Oh!  
 _Please help me_  
God, please help me, oh no  
 _Snared in despair 'cause the Scarecrow's got me  
Please help me_  
I'm so deeply screwed  
 _Look at all this ice_  
I'm so deeply screwed  
 _Where precisely am I, please help me_  
Oh God I'm snared in despair 'cause the Scarecrow's got me  
 _Snared in despair 'cause the Scarecrow's got me_

[HARRY]  
That’s where they're keeping her

[CHARITY]  
Then let's go and save my girl.

[HARRY]  
The seat of Mab: Arctis Tor

[THOMAS]  
Then let's go fight fairies. We'll just grab her and get out

[HARRY]  
Faeries…

[CHARITY]  
My baby!

[MURPHY]  
We'll hold the door, you go up

[HARRY]  
If it takes fighting them all to get her back, it will have been worth it

[CHARITY]  
I will destroy it

[MOLLY AND WOMEN]  
One fight later

[MOLLY]  
I'm sickened my magic's wicked  
It was grim and tragic, all my magic did was twist 'em  
Talkin' with my mother, and she's asking you a favor

[CHARITY]  
Promise, Harry, that you'll really fight and you will save her

[MOLLY & _ALL WOMEN_ ]  
Oh!  
Two days later I am hooded and sweatin' _(sweatin')_  
The Merlin's stone-faced and he's gonna choose beheadin' _(headin')_  
I'm dying of fright 'cause I'm high and dry  
And I'm tryin' not to cry when there's someone comin' through the door _(Ohh)_  
My father makes his way across the warehouse floor _(Ohh)_  
They realize that he's a Knight of the Sword _(Ohh)_  
And he just saved their tails off in the War _(Ohh)_  
So they don't have a choice, really, and they  
Help me! _(Help me!)  
Finally my heart, it restarts its beatin'  
Please help me_  
Help me  
 _Then you assent, I'm apprenticed to you_ (hoo!)  
 _Please help me!_  
Not gonna die, not gonna die  
 _Finally my heart, it restarts its beatin'  
Please help me_  
Help me, help me  
Then you assent, I'm apprenticed to you  
 _Then you assent, I'm apprenticed to you_

[HARRY]  
'Kay Molly, you had really better understand  
You mess up again, it don't matter when, you've bitten the hand  
We will both be felons, their clemency in shreds  
You make just a minor misstep and they cleave our heads  
Instead, you gotta prove this price is not too steep for you  
Michael believes in you, and Charity stormed a fairy keep for you  
No joke, their love for you is never in doubt  
So you will move back with your family and sort it all out  
You'll be spendin' Friday and Saturday nights learnin' the lore  
And then homework, go back to school, and do all your chores  
Oh, and you can forget 'bout sexy-times, that's a fact  
Now there is no stonewallin', Molly, from here on  
Your schedule's packed, so…

[ALL WOMEN, _MOLLY_ , **HARRY** ]  
Help me!  
 _Oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no!_  
 **Yeah, Molly**  
Help me!  
 _Oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no!_  
 **This is the way to—**  
Help me!  
 _Oh crap, crap!_  
Well, I'm in hell, so farewell, my freedom  
 _Oh well, I'm in hell, please—_  
Help me!  
 **Your life is gon' be fine so don't whine about it**  
Help me!  
 _You gazed into my soul and you bowled me over, please—_  
Help me!  
Well, I'm in hell, so farewell, my freedom  
 _…'well, my freedom_

[ALL WOMEN]  
The Doom of Damocles hangs over you…  
The Doom of Damocles hangs over you…  
The Doom of Damocles hangs over you…

[MOLLY]  
Help me

**Author's Note:**

> This is not the first time I've used a pretentious French word to force a rhyme, and frankly, it won't be the last.


End file.
